A Sentimental Work (Still In Progress)

ROSENSTERN AND GUILDENCRANTZ ARE STILL DEAD
or,
Just Try To Find A Meaning In THIS, Sucker

An Existential Tragedy in One Act, Four Scenes, and a Musical Number

By Sam Kleinman and Eric Scott

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ALEXANDER DUMAS, a French Novelist
DAVEY BOY SARTRE, the bastard lovechild of Jean-Paul
MR. HANEY, a salesman, originally from the town of Petticoat Junction

SCENE ONE
[Curtains open on what appears to be a Thai restaurant. A low table is in the exact center of the stage, to the centimeter; one cushion is exactly three inches to the left of the table, the other exactly seventeen inches to the right. An arras with a meaningless symbol- directors are encouraged to be creative- is in the background. The stage is shrouded in moody BLUE lighting. Moody music, such as Robert Fripp’s later instrumental work, should be playing softly, though not so loud as to make the voices of the actors difficult to discern.]

[VOICE OF DUMAS from offstage.]

DUMAS: ‘Allo, is anybody in here?

[Silence.]

DUMAS: I said, ‘allo, is anybody in here?

[VOICE OF SARTRE, also from off-stage. Lights turn ORANGE as he speaks and then back to BLUE when DUMAS speaks.]

SARTRE: I’ve often wondered that also, but what does that matter in the end?

DUMAS: Who are you?

SARTRE: Am I?

DUMAS: What?

SARTRE: Descartes said that if I think, therefore I am, but is that really true? What do you think?

DUMAS: Who is this ‘Descartes?’
SARTRE: Don’t you read philosophy?

DUMAS: [hesitation] Just where are we, anyway?

SARTRE: Is there any true meaning to “where?” Isn’t a place just a name we attach to a meaningless, random series of events that have happened to result in a country store as opposed to a fabric outlet?

DUMAS: Is this a fabric store?

SARTRE: Have you any evidence to the contrary?

[PAUSE]

DUMAS: Are you simply trying to get on my nerves?

SARTE: What is the meaning of “ner-“

DUMAS: Will you shut up for just a moment?!

[A moment passes.]

SARTE: Now then, what is the meaning of “ner-“

DUMAS: No, will you shut up for now and for eternity?

SARTE: Isn’t that what this is?

DUMAS: [sigh] Do you know how damnably frustrating you’re being?

SARTE: But what is-

DUMAS: What is wrong with you?! [Sounds of footsteps. Lights briefly flash VIOLET as the sound of a door slamming is heard.]

SARTE: [pause] Well then, what is on the menu?

[Lights dim.]

SCENE TWO

[The entire scenery from scene one should carted off the stage, preferably in a somewhat violent fashion. The noise created by moving the furniture is intended to be a metaphor, though for what is entirely subject to the demands of the observer, as there is no real meaning involved in the project. It is, after all, the simple repositioning of furniture. Attaching any kind of cosmic ‘meaning’ to such a thing would just be stupid and would show that you aren’t much smarter than an oven-roasted pecan in August. And no, there’s no real meaning to that last statement either.

Directly center-stage, an AQUARIUM should be prominently featured. There are no other elements of the scene. The lighting is a pleasant GREEN, the color of HANEY’s voice. Music should be a very softly played country and western song, preferably from the 1940s.]